My parents aren’t reckless, but they’ve never been good at saving. Now that I’m making okay money, it feels like every week there’s a new ask.
At the beginning of August, I just sent them 1.2k straight to cover some expenses, then mid-August it was another $280 for utilities. And just last week $450 for a house cleaning service. Then they asked me to cover a credit card payment too, but by the end of the month I was short , so I couldn’t.
Today I sat down and added it all up, almost a third of my spending for the month went to my parents. I love them and I want them to be okay, but honestly I can feel resentment creeping in — and I know I can’t keep doing this without screwing up my own retirement savings and emergency fund.
One thing I’ve tried is making a simple What I Can Realistically Give plan on Macaron, so I don’t overpromise in the moment. It helps me set my limit, but it doesn’t fix how to actually talk to them about theirs.
Has anyone figured out clear but kind boundaries here?
1/3 of my spending goes to my parents almost every month
byu/Extra-Avocado8967 inpersonalfinance
Posted by Extra-Avocado8967
11 Comments
I’m sorry to say but “by the end of the month I was short, so I couldn’t” to me indicates that you’re being taken advantage of and “no” should be a more used word in your vocab with them.
If they are stuck for cash paying 450 for house cleaning service is wild.
Strange coincidence that your parents were suddenly the victims of all sorts of problems once you started making money. 🙂
Are you living in your own place? If so tell them.you have your own expenses to deal with. Yes they provided for you when growing up but it’s not your responsibility to pay for their bills. The cleaning service is a luxury and theh need to pay their own credit card fees.
Make a budget with them and go through all
Their finances and have them live within their means even if that means downsizing
How they heck are they paying for a cleaning service if they’re broke? Clean your own damn house!
Step 1. Cancel the house cleaning service.
“No” is a complete sentence.
I know there can be cultural norms that can demand you support your folks late in life but if they’re paying $450 a month on cleaning services you’re not supporting them, you’re being taken advantage of. If you’re going to put in the money, you get a say into how it’s spent.
If you must float them money, put them on an allowance, much as you would a child.
You might want to sit down with them and work on a budget together. There’s nothing wrong with helping your parents, but if they’re spending on non-essentials and then asking you for money, that’s not fair to you.
I don’t know your background, but I’m Hispanic and in our culture it’s very common to support our elders even when it comes at the expense of our own future. I think it’s great that you’re trying to set boundaries early so this doesn’t become a bigger issue down the line.
If they’re not financially literate, then it’s time to parent the parents.
Let them know that you’re worried they’re neing taken advantage of, and ask to go over their expenses. If they say yes, then take action to limit what they choose to spend on ie bills come from an account their pensions have an auto scheduled transaction so it’s sorted, and they only have access to spending fun money that gets topped up monthly.
No matter what, shut down that credit card.
If they say no, then it’s time to pull back. Tell them you love them, but they also taught you how to be responsible, and say you can’t help them continue to be irresponsible, and they can come to you when they want to downsize into a care home.
I’m only saying this because I’ve been here before. But stop being an enabler and feeling guilty about it.
Because they’re not good at saving is not your problem. Depending where you’re at with this, you’ll probably come back at me with an excuse or two or defend it, I used to do the same.
If you’re not at this point yet it seems like you’re already working towards it, it takes time to change your mindset around it. Talk to them and tell them what you’re telling us and draw the line. If they don’t know where the line is, they’re not going to know where they need to stop.
I get every situation is different so don’t take what I said above personal but as I mentioned at some point a line needs to be drawn. Good luck.