I didn't pick the right flair, but none of them apply…
I (64F) grew up firmly middle-class (60's and 70's middle class, that is) and frugality became embedded from being a member of a single-income family with too many kids.
I embrace my frugality – am proud of the fact that it's why I was able to retire 4 years ago and be (with the exception of the risk of the need for long-term care) comfortable. I now consider myself to be (by today's standards), LOWER middle class, though I could be wrong.
But then I read posts, on Reddit, by people in their 20's who have inherited millions, with income resulting in the mid-double-digits PER MONTH – and I feel "poor." I look around at the McMansions that people buy and the number of cars in restaurant parking lots and the cars that cost more than my house, and I alternately feel briefly jealous/left out, and stunned that anyone would want to waste money that way – and that anyone HAS the kind of money to waste.
I realize this is partly because of social media and is "FOMO," but it's not just what I see on social media – it's what I see in real life, around me, and I just don't understand it, and wonder if it means I really AM a lot poorer than I realize. It doesn't change me – I don't want to spend more but, then, I really couldn't if I wanted to.
Anyone else both proud of being frugal but a little sad that you'll never be as rich as other people?
Frugal for life, not poor, but often feeling poor
byu/LivMealown inFrugal
Posted by LivMealown
31 Comments
Comparison is the thief of joy
Not sad, wouldn’t want the bills
The only answer is to get off the internet and stop comparing yourself to others. You’re poorer than some. You’re richer than some. None of that matters.
don’t confuse having expensive homes and cars with having more wealth, those same people could very easily be in debt and live paycheck to paycheck. came to say the same thing as chenan, comparison is the thief of joy.
I am also very frugal. I was raised by depression grandparents and my grandfather was what was then called an herbal medicine man, today probably an herbalist. They taught me so much more than any of my peers were being taught in the 80s and 90s. My grandmother taught me to sew, cooking, garden and can foods. My grandfather taught me anything he could about the wilderness, hunting, fishing, farming and herbal medicine.
By most peoples standards I would be classified as poverty level but I don’t feel poor ever. I have everything I could need/want and extra every month. I do stay away from social media so it’s not in my face on a daily basis what other people are doing or what they have. I have zero debt and sleep peacefully every night. That’s rich to me!
Every day I wake up and I’m grateful that I have my family and everyone is safe and sound. I even live with one of my adult children.
I have a roof over my head, food in my cupboards, clothes in my dresser and closet, and hot running water for my shower. Potable water. A garden in my back yard. Two loving dogs.
I have everything I need, and almost everything I want.
There are people who have more possessions than me. There are people who have more family than me. But I’d go up against anybody for having a peaceful life.
The internet is weird, alot of it is curated content and stuff you dont see about peoples finances.
The actual median amd per capita income level in your area will give you a better picture of where you are financially in comparison to your peers.
TLDR: Yeah, I feel jealous of folks all the time, but when I sit down to try and buy or research a similar thing, almost 100% of the time I feel like it’s not worth it anyway and I go enjoy the things I enjoy because I feel as if I have enough.
This is a key point to remember that you have enough. There are so so so many people out there that can never find what “enough” is to them and they have to keep consuming because anything else feels empty and hollow.
It’s easy to buy anything these days, especially on credit. When I see people who never stop buying things, I always wonder what their credit statements look like, NOT MALICIOUSLY, but because I know how many people live with high interest debt these days and accept it as the only way to live.
To me, it sounds like you should be PROUD. Personally, I absolutely feel jealous when my friends buy their new golf shoes or camping tent or bike or vintage clothing or international trip. But after I sit down and review whether I really need them (even to the point of looking it all up online) I realize that what I have it fine and I don’t really want or need that in my life right now.
So go enjoy the things you enjoy! Maybe get yourself a slightly expensive but worthwhile-to-you treat that you’ve been putting off! And try to slide past being jealous of those dummies and into your own comfortable enough-ness 🙂
> a little sad that you’ll never be as rich as other people?
I’m not, because I really don’t want that life. I’m not social and don’t like to drink, so that’s a huge category of spending that I would avoid even if it were free.
I already can’t keep my normal sized house clean. If I were rich I could hire help, but, like many who grew up lower SES, the idea of having someone in my house cleaning my stuff is alternately appalling and frightening.
For the people who didn’t inherit and are working – well, I’m (57F) retired (left at almost 56) and am 100% not willing to play stupid corporate games just to wantonly spend money. I did it to pay rent and put food on the table and save for retirement, but I won’t do it to fund cruises.
And, as always, we don’t know what debt these people carry. I have a former co-worker (so I know what she earns) who spends a fortune on her hobby and has 8x her annual pay in mortgages & HELOCs. No. thank you.
But I’m comfortable! Today I realized there is an event coming up I would like to attend, and that it could easily cost $1K for a 2-day thing. And I can do that. Can’t do that every month, but I can do it once in awhile.
I’ve got money for the new roof I need, the good food for the cats that probably doesn’t have melamine in it, and the good coffee and imported aged cheese for myself, and it’s fine.
Money doesn’t buy happiness but it pays for things. I work with some trust fund kids and they are less happy than I am.
Larger houses don’t bring joy, fancy cars don’t bring joy. Surroundings yourself with community and people you love brings more joy.
Not having enough money to pay your bills brings stress and sadness.
I worked for most of my working life with the kind of people that live in McMansions and make those big salaries. Believe me, I would rather be poor than have that kind of life. They always have to maintain that lifestyle, and the pressure it puts on them is ridiculous. Things become important rather than the people in their lives. It’s really kind of sad.
I went through many years of being poor while working for these people. Believe me, I know what you’re feeling. But in the long run I’m glad I’m not them.
These days I am Retired and comfortable. Couldn’t ask for more.
I never feel that sad about being middle class. I see an expensive car, I think how expensive that insurance policy is. Big house, how much time it takes to clean and maintain (or how much it costs to pay someone to do those things). There are so many hidden costs on these things, and people overconsume like crazy. I’m glad to have my needs met and a little extra to indulge occasionally or travel.
You know that big house? Needs to be cleaned. I have 1800 square feet of livable space in my house that I use — main floor and finished basement with quilt room and laundry and second bath. I mop my floors weekly, takes about 45 minutes. I dust weekly, takes about 30 minutes. Kitchen counters — 10 minutes daily. Bath — 20 minutes a week. Vacuuming by Jeeves, the Roomba, daily.
It’s not difficult to keep a clean house if you keep it at a certain level of cleanliness.
But if I had purchased the house style I wanted, which was only available in 4bed, 3 bath very large family homes… the upkeep would be much longer and I would rather be in my quilt room making quilts.
It’s all a matter of perspective.
Our envy of others devours us most of all. Rub your eyes and purify your heart and prize above all those who love you and wish you well. Alexandr Solzhenitsyn, Gulag Archipelago.
Try not to compare your journey with anyone else. Wealth looks different for everyone and living frugally doesn’t mean you’re not on the path to success. Stay focused on your goals and your version of ‘rich’ will come in time.
I am 69. My mother passed away earlier this year. I inherited quite a bit of money. It feels strange because I have always lived frugally. I really haven’t changed a thing except to replace my fence. There’s nothing I really want or need. I still shop at Aldi and other sales.
look into Buddhism 🙂
> Anyone else both proud of being frugal but a little sad that you’ll never be as rich as other people?
I am frugal but I am neither proud of that nor sad that I’ll never be as rich as others. I grew up middle class and there weren’t too many kids in the house, we had everything we needed and even some of what we wanted.
After I left home, though, I found myself broke with no job on two different occasions. Those experiences made me into what I am today. I don’t care what others do or think. I know what it is like to be poor and have no clue how I was going to be able to afford food and housing next month. I spent money like a fool in the past and when it comes to making the choice of spending money like a fool or insuring I never end up broke and jobless, there’s absolutely no question for me which to choose.
I, like you, see the people you mention all the time. I now live in a higher cost of living area and not a day goes by that I don’t see a car that costs more than $100,000 on the road. I drive a 2016 beater with 110,000 miles on it. If an uninsured hits me and totals my car, it’s not a huge loss for me and something I can easily recover from. I have savings, far more than the typical American who reportedly doesn’t have $1,000 in the event of an emergency expense.
I remember what it was like being broke and jobless like it was yesterday. I also see the posts here on reddit you mentioned. I also see posts here on reddit crying about how bad people have it and when I look at their post histories invariably I find they made mistakes and slacked off and now want someone to bail them out. So while reddit is full of people claiming to be rich it is also full of people who claim to be poor.
My opinion is that you should take care of yourself and your family and not stress over what others seem to have. Many of those people are broke and have mountains of debt facilitating their lifestyles. You don’t want to be like the person driving a fancy car, living in a fancy house, wearing fancy clothes, drinking a fancy coffee when a recession hits and he losses everything.
66f – grew up poor as did my husband. We don’t own a car, we grow what veggies we can, I bake and sew for frugality but also as a source of gifts to friends and family. We do own our one bedroom, one bath condo. We continued to be frugal when we could have tried to keep up, but not paying interest was more important to us. Now we own our own home (just a dream when we were growing up in rentals). We have some friends who drive luxury cars or try to own boats but they still think paying loads of money in interest is normal. So, no we don’t feel poor, we feel fortunate to have what we do and the time to enjoy life.
personal debt averages keep going up overall so many people look like they are doing well only to be digging themselves into a hole
You said you see this in real life so it makes you feel poor. Of course there are *some* people that have more money than you, but you may be having some selection bias issues. Like you’re not seeing the people much poorer than you because they shop elsewhere, for example. If you really want to know where you stand, look at statistics for your area. Where does your household income and household net worth fall, for example? What percentile do you fall into? I would bet you’re relatively more well off than you realize.
Of course none of that really affects how you should live or how good your life is. As long as you are happy with your life, that’s all that really matters. But it can be interesting to know where you fall in comparison to others and it can make you appreciate what you have more.
I will never be as rich as some other people, but that will always be the case, regardless of how much I have (unless I’m the richest, which is never going to happen). The trick is to not look at what others have, so I don’t go wanting what others have. e.g. I got involved with online discussion about a luxury good (I won’t specify what it is, to maintain anonymity), but it was not a good time, to see and want what others have, that I could never buy. Now that I got out of that, I’m much happier without that envy and desire.
As for feeling poor, I think it’s a case of either spending a lot so I feel rich, but I’m poor, or spending little so I feel poor, but I’m rich (relative to my small spending). I’ll keep choosing the latter.
IMO it’s important to remember that you *could* choose to pursue more wealth. It’s not easy, but there are people who work until they die, I’ve had co-workers pushing 80.
If you’re consciously choosing a frugal lifestyle so you can retire, it’s because you value retirement more than having an expensive lifestyle. It’s always best to live in congruence with your values.
I like to think I’m frugal and I’ve been around enough very rich people to know that serious wealth can be toxic and I’m not confident I could handle serious wealth without turning into a person I wouldn’t like to be. So I’m not sad about not being as rich as other people
Also, I think frugality exists on a spectrum. I grew up poor and I’m no longer poor but my older sister is still poor or poor-ish. My wealth manager says I don’t spend enough money ( he’s half-joking) and probably thinks I’m frugal. My sister does not think I’m frugal but thinks being poor affected my brain in some way that doesn’t let me enjoy my current financial situation as much as she would if she was in my place.
Edit: btw, if someone uses this service, they are not frugal:
[https://uovo.art/fashion/services/travel-wardrobe-and-delivery-services/](https://uovo.art/fashion/services/travel-wardrobe-and-delivery-services/)
I know what you mean. My husband and I just bought our first home. A brand new home in south Florida. I still can’t believe we can have this and I can stay at home with our kids. I felt like we won the lottery and were the richest people ever, at first. Then we started getting acquainted with the neighbors and I now feel like we’re the “poor” ones. The people who bought the house in front of us paid cash and they’ve been retired for 10 years. They are doing a bunch of upgrades and they go between this house and the one they own in the DR. It’s crazy how much perspective can change how you feel. That being said, instead of feeling bad, it’s made me realize that we’re here and we can continue to work towards our goals. We can enjoy what we have instead of always chasing the next “upgrade”. We have an amazing life and there is no need to “compare”.
Tldr: most folks are so far in debt they are one bad day from catastrophy and whistling past the graveyard.
Our family squeaked into our foreclosure house by the skin of our teeth in 2008. It took us 5 years of creative austerity to become comfortable again. During this time frame my school aged kids watched their peers get all the shiny toys and come home to an empty cold house.
I choose to be a stay at home mom & do multiple side hustles. So many of their friends parents would tell me they didn’t know how I could afford to stay home and just how far in debt they were. I explained that I cooked every night, purchased a side of beef in the fall & bought our clothes used. I was told by several parents, both moms and one dad that it sounded like a lot of work (I did get a bunch of clothes donations though).
It’s now just shy of 17 years and our house is almost paid off and our last car was paid for with cash. I haven’t kept in touch with any of those parents and most have divorced or moved to chase something shiny in a different state.
I can only speak on my experience. I am in Australia and am lower upper class. We have friends from a range of classes, from those struggling on one income to those who are worth 10s of millions.
In my experience, the ones with the McMansions and very expensive cars are actually in debt. The ones who try their hardest to look like they have money don’t. We know a woman who likes to let everyone know how much money they have. New expensive car every couple of years, expensive makeup, go out to the nicest restaurants, multi million dollar home, jet ski, boat ect. But we also know that they have had to sell property because they were is so much debt and needed it to pay off loans. A lot of it is an illusion. I read an article once that said luxury brands make most of their money from selling to the working class who want to look like the upper class. That gives you a bit of an idea over looks vs reality and trying to keep up with the Jones’s.
I don’t think you are unusual in looking at what other people have and feeling a mixture of jealousy and confusion. I feel the same when I see videos of luxury homes or a luxury lifestyle. I alternate between “wouldn’t it be nice to have that kind of money” to “who has time to keep up appearances”. I think it would be great to have the kind of money that makes life a lot more comfortable and convenient. I imagine living that lifestyle also comes with a lot of pressure to dress and act in a certain way and I definitely don’t have the patience for that.
I am proud of being frugal. It has allowed us to create a great life and I don’t have the financial stress of many people my age. I am 35 and only have to work part time while many others my age are struggling to buy a house or afford rent. I am proud that my happiness comes from the magic of life and nature rather than material possessions and their price tag. I absolutely love my simple, stress free little life. If someone offers me a holiday on a private jet, I am still taking it though.
Why do you compare yourself to other people? Especially people in their 20s?
Everything you own, owns you. Best to live with adequate and without excess.
I’m frugal as well..it enabled me to buy a condo in cash..paid off a car for retirement..retired at 62 with zero debt..work a PT gig 16 hours a week..between that and social security..I’m able to save 1000 a month.. I go on couple vacations a year..and now have over 70 thousand in savings.. I don’t deny myself things I want or need..and don’t overindulge..I’m not rich..but comfortable..not the travel the world retired..but have no stress about money
Survivorship bias: you see all the rich people because truly poor people aren’t at restaurants all the time or posting pictures of their things on social media