I’ve adapted to the suffering of frugality and made peace with it within myself. However I’m having a hard time with revealing my frugality to others. How do you tell people you’re being frugal in a way that isn’t embarrassing?
For example, my friends wanted to go to dinner and I joined. I didn’t want to be the party pooper that wouldn’t go along, so I thought to myself I’d just sit with them and not order anything. But then I felt guilty and weird about sitting with them and not eating so I ordered something. And then I felt guilty for ordering something.
I’m in survival mode and I’m trying to hide it. How do I manage friendships and feelings while trying not to spend money?? It’s so awkward and I feel like I can’t be a good friend to hang out with if I can’t spend money ever. I also feel like I can’t hang out with people because it always inevitably ends up in spending money in some way.
How to tell people you’re being frugal without feeling embarrassed?
byu/i_sell_insurance_ inFrugal
Posted by i_sell_insurance_
31 Comments
Nothing wrong with saying eating out is not in your budget. 💕
Being frugal doesn’t mean never spending money with friends
> I’m in survival mode and trying to hide it
Thats not frugality, thats a different issue entirely. I would just be honest to people “right now I’m in a tough spot and I can’t join you guys” then maybe suggest a picnic at the park one day or something fun thag doesnt involve dropping $40
You can be frugal and still spend money on experiences.
I probably would not have gone and not ordered anything because that makes things awkward for everyone. I just would have skipped that gathering.
Take the initiative to propose other things to do together that don’t require spending money.
I have clarifying questions .. is saving money a need or a want?
If it’s a *need* (eg you are in college, or paying off high interest debt, or saving for an urgent medical need, etc) you can decline some dinners out. For some, go, eat before, and then get an appetizer for your meal. At another time quietly tell your friends you need to save money for XYZ need related reason.
If it’s a *want* (eg you are financially comfortable you just want to save money) just go and do the appetizer strategy.
I’m frugal but not such a tightass that I can’t go out and have a drink or a snack with friends. No need to make it a 7 course meal. Order fries and a water and enjoy time with friends.
Tell them you’re saving for xyz and set a standard for not meeting in places that aren’t free. Like going for a walk or meeting at a park with coffee. I have a good friend who is very good at financial planning and she is well off and sometimes she says “sorry im saving money right now could we go on a walk instead”. It really let me see that some folks have a lot of discipline and are meeting financial goals through sacrifice. In this economy everyone will understand
look real friends understand that you can’t eat out all the time, often or ever.
suggest other activities, there is a million things people can do other than buy overpriced food or alcohol/drinks
and if they are not real friends well their loss.
I had a good job and my friend was paid peanuts (even though she might have had some savings from a settlement she got), she didn’t have to tell me and we never went to some place that was expensive if we had to get a bite; and I often paid for her. most of the time (90%) we did free stuff and really we would meet very regularly.
people who are attentive can tell; and even if they are not just say you can’t budget for going out.
honestly it’s not being the party pooper. eating out is not that great and there are way more enjoyable things to do.
Stop trying to hide it. Times are tight and not blowing the budget is smart, not embarrassing. Tell your friends you are saving for a yacht. I was known for being thrifty and it paid off.
Walks are good.
No is a complete sentence. And if they feel it necessary for you to give an explanation, just tell them eating out isn’t in your budget. If they STILL have a problem with it, they’re not true friends and you’re better off without them in your life in the first place.
“I’m in my fiscal responsibility era”
I have a financial goal.
I straight up tell people – I’m cheap! I’m keeping my money. But, in all seriousness, why would you hide this from friends? Friends are supposed to be safe people you can be honest with. Just consider that maybe you’re not giving them enough credit.
Eat before you go, then order only an appetizer or dessert at the restaurant. There is nothing wrong with telling your friends you have some financial goals right now and therefore are minimizing your spending. Being frugal is nothing to be embarrassed about. It just means you prioritize your spending and only spend on things that are important.
Learn to say “no”
If a friend or family member declined an invitation and said they were being frugal right now or saving money I would not judge them negatively. Instead I would think of a low or no cost way to spend time together
You would be surprised at how many people live beyond their means. Being honest may allow others to be as well. It’s the holidays so you have that as an excuse as well
Money’s tight right now.
I’m working on reigning in my spending a bit right now.
I’m saving for (a vacation, a bike, a house, a pony…) so I’m not spending a lot right now.
I’m working on a spending program and that just doesn’t fit into it.
I like to carefully control my spending.
I kinda get a kick out of seeing my saving account grow.
I’m challenging myself to reduce my spending this year.
For context: I grew up with a parent who would go out for dinner and order nothing except for a glass of water. It didn’t matter if we were as a family or with friends. It felt like there was a disconnection from us because the parent refused to partake in the meal. We never knew if it was attention-related or sensory related.
I’m not sure if this is your deal as well, but beyond survival mode, I’d ask yourself about value. What value does going out with your friends have? Can you cut back on another area of living expense to be able to afford a simple appetizer/dessert/salad?
Next time, be honest and upfront that going out for a meal isn’t within your budget.
Can meet them for drinks afterwards, pay your own tab at the bar.
You just embrace the peace that a simplified life with financial security gives you. What I wouldn’t recommend doing however is pretending/half-assing/denying yourself in public because that comes off as performative, judgemental, or just socially uncomfortable. Like, why expect them to be comfortable sitting there eating while you watch them??it makes them embarrassed too because now it looks like they pressured you to do something you can’t afford and aren’t helping you out or don’t care, it makes them look or feel like assholes because you didn’t mention it wasn’t in your budget instead of giving them the information and letting them decide if a cheaper option or staying in or covering for you is something they and you are comfortable with instead.
If you are being frugal accepting an invitation to go out to eat and then just not ordering anything is not an activity to opt into: either go and order something in your budget and eat with them, or politely decline – maybe invite them over to your place for a budget friendly meal, you can consider offering cheaper alternatives but you don’t want to barter about going to the cheapest places every time – if they want to spend money on different priorities it’s perfectly okay and respectable for them to do that and you politely decline because it’s perfectly okay and respectable for you to do your thing too and they accept that.
Nothing embarrassing about trying your best to survive. If your friends make fun of you for that, they aren’t good friends.
Community and family is built around camaraderie, not competition
Spend money when you want to spend money. I won’t go if I’m not hungry or the menu doesn’t appeal. Suggest meeting up after or before. If all they want to do is go out and eat and drink, widen your friend group
Yes, it would be weird to go and just sit there. Don’t do that.
Just be honest. “I I’d love to come, but I’m on a budget right now, so I’ll only be ordering coffee.” Politely refuse if someone offers to pay “I really appreciate it, but I know I can’t reciprocate, so I’m going to say no but with love.”
My old office used to go for lunch every week and we normalized “stopping by for a glass of fried water” so people could participate without spending. No servers ever had an issue, I think they were glad to bring 9 meals instead of 10, and the water people always threw in a couple of bucks to the tip.
The biggest thing is to be clear with yourself and others what is going on. There’s a difference between “I’m tapped now that daycare charges went up so I’m adjusting my lifestyle” and “I’m a cheapskate who doesn’t think your birthday is worth spending money on.” If they’re friends, they’ll be accepting once they understand.
If they’re real friends then you should be able to share that you’re on a budget without them caring. I’ve been in both sides of it and don’t have issues declining if I don’t have the funds, and in times where I’m comfortable and my friends are struggling, I’ve had no issues covering their meal because I know they’d probably do the same if the rules were reversed.
Another option is to suggest more budget friendly options. Depending on where you live there can be a lot of free stuff to do around the holidays. Tbh these days I’d rather go walk around the city and bring a thermos of hot chocolate or something.
Frugal does NOT mean suffering.
Being frugal is not a reason to be embarrassed.
If you are suffering because you are frugal then you may benefit from a mental adjustment. It may be time to evaluate or reevaluate your thinking.
It sounds more like you are in a situation with little money; therefore, you don’t have disposable income. Life happens.
Just be honest. “I’m low on funds, so I ate before. I am pleased to get to see everyone”.
Most people are not going to care.
“My budget is extra tight.” Blame it on the budget, when at all possible. Propose other things to do that are free. I’m down for a walk and talk at all times, and so are my friends. We have a favorite park. It’s about spending time, not money. See if your friends might join you in a free activity, if you invite them. Might be free night at a museum. You may be able to Google “free things to do in” your city, and find some cool things to do that don’t cost anything. Volunteer together. There are so many ways to do this, you’ll find some. Hang in there, OP. It gets better.
I tell my friends that I refuse to pay for over priced meals or items. If we meet up we can go to a happy hour, split appetizers, have a couple drinks. I won’t let my social life pass me by but I’ll still be frugal about it.
I think it’s weirder if you go and just sit there and not order anything. Just say you’re busy. Or be honest and it’s not in the budget right now.