it’s a disease

whattup WSB I thought it would be fun if I made a post out of this conversation which I should be having in therapy

so yeah I've been having a great month, up almost 30K which effectively doubled the account. but if we want to appreciate these gains, we need to know where the initial 30K came from. let's touch on some key points (which I have labeled on the all-time chart for your convenience)

1. the first time I ever touched options, they were short-dated SPY puts during the COVID circuit breakers. lmao. immediate gambling addict. after blowing everything and then one last hurrah with the game store, i put it down for a while
2. So in late 2022 I got a real nice bonus at work and thought fuck it, instead of saving this or even blowing it on something fun, I should reopen Pandora's box and resume the process of destroying my life. Now the specific point I marked with 2 is where I completely stopped caring. After I lost my entire bonus after an initial quick gain, I took out a Citi loan (no I'm not THAT guy, but that post put the idea in my brain) for 35K, right at that little plateau between 2 and 3. you can see how that went.
3. so yeah this was a chance to walk away wasn't it. i had TSLA puts, it dumped something like 20% over a single weekend for some reason, I made 50K instantly. I took a deep breath, liquidated everything but ~10K (which I lose immediately), pay off the dumbass loan and a couple credit cards, and then take a breather for a while…then come back with another ~10K I had saved up and blow it again, because it's what I do
4. ok so here's where I get laid off. and like, look at this graph. what do you think my financial situation is like? lucky for me there was a pretty generous severance package. should be able to survive on that for a while. unless…I could survive on it for even longer? I gamble 20K of it. quick gain, everything nuked
5. alright. finally we get to the YOLO. at this point I'm down 60K total, running short on available cash, mentally cooked, been out of work for 5 months, the world actively going to shit around me. i'm just done. so I liquidate half my 401K and go back in one more time with 30K.

so here I am in limbo again, almost exactly at the midpoint of my all-time low and all-time high. suffering

positions? why would I share those when I have no beliefs or convictions? I need to fucking gamble, so I bought some shit based on vibes, and in roughly 16 hours, I will find out if I was right or wrong, and I will feel fucking NOTHING either way

ok fine I'm holding 1000 shares of SPXS because I couldn't stomach a 3rd weekend in a row holding options, but I'm so desensitized that normal non-leveraged shares just don't do anything for me. what will my port look like EOD Monday? I have no. fucking. clue. there is no plan. nobody is at the wheel. nobody is coming to save me from myself. i am so fucking fucked lmao I AM NEVER GOING TO DIE HAHAHAHA

^{this has been a pathetic cry for help}