My wife's mom passed away and step-dad has a gambling problem. My wife's mom died in 2019 and he eventually inherited 80-100k between 2019-2022. He spent it all. He cannot hold onto money and maxes out all of his credit card bills. My wife has to login into his bank account and too pay rent/utilities off quickly every week before he gambles it away which stresses her out and we are about to have our 2nd kid. My wife wants to just give up because of the stress but she loves him and doesn't want to see him on the streets.
He does not own any property and rents an apartment. The only 2 assets he has is a 2015 Toyota Tundra which he has been in like 5 accidents and still has a balance somehow even after the inheritance. Which I cannot get a straight answer from him or my wife how much is left but I believe it is around 2k but pays 5-600/month so I do not know how it is not paid off for. And a 50k whole life insurance policy. He has about 7k in credit card debt. He is 66 works full time and makes about 1k/week. He has been with the company for 10 years and only gets 2 weeks PTO and no sick. He caught covid last month and had no PTO so he went a week without pay. However this like the blind leading the blind here so I do not know what is true. Is in the process of trying to collect his wifes social security which will be another 2k/month. His rent is 1600+ utilities +600 for the truck his CoL should be about 3000. It could be way less if he had a "rice and beans" mentality but he won't. Honestly once the SS kicks in the guy could be debt free in about 3-4 months. If he worked 10 more years he could have 100k in an IRA.
The guy is nice enough he does come and help me out sometimes with some easy home repairs. He never asks us for money. However he flakes all the time I have been asking him to come for over a month and he is supposedly coming this weekend. Not just with projects with me. He has skipped out on seeing his grandaughter to go gambling though he just says he is sick. (He is tired from a night out gambling). No clue if he has a will. He does have a sister that lives on the other side of the country but no children. I have told the guy that we are not paying for his end of life we simply cannot afford it. And 50k is not going to last him long unless he just drops dead. I am not sure if I need to step in more or what I should do. I ask my wife to talk to him and he gives her the run around.
My step father-in-law has nothing and is in debt. I do not know what to do about death planning.
byu/jamin724 inpersonalfinance
Posted by jamin724
9 Comments
Get him to GA stat. This is the only way.
At some point if he doesn’t want to help himself, then there isn’t much to be done on your end. Best thing to do is be very clear about the fact you and your wife don’t have the means to support him if he doesn’t get his act together. You can try to communicate that not being financially prepared for the future is going to put strain on you wife emotionally as she clearly won’t want to see her father on the street and will feel compelled to help.
You mentioned you wife’s mother being passed away, if that is somewhat recent that could obviously be a trauma trigger and a cause to the gambling problem (I am not a qualified professional to make such determination), but obviously pushing for him to seek therapy and similar professional help would be good, but that would require some level of buy in by him. It could be an extreme decision but you could consider threating to cut/limiting contact until he accepts a plan to deal with these problems.
He’s living his life the way he wants to and there’s nothing to do about it. He’s a free adult and although his decisions are not the ones you would make, they are his to make. How exactly do you think you could “step in”? All you can do is be straight about your unwillingness to pay for end of life care which you have been. Someday he may be in a Medicaid-paid nursing home. All you can do is love him and spend time with him as you are able.
Kinda two issues, current bills and end of life:
1. Current bills – easiest would be for your wife to setup automatic payments from his accounts for his major bills like rent. Most banks will do recurring checks for stuff like rent (we did it for daycare that didn’t take electronic payments). Then your wife doesn’t have to be so involved but his bills get paid before he “sees” the money there to spend.
2. Death planning – I mean you could do cremation and DIY ashes spreading for around $1000. I dunno if he had plans to be buried with MIL or already owns a plot but it’s kinda not your problem?
Why are you all up in his business?
Even *he* is not all up in his business.
Be clear with your wife that he is never gonna live with you and that we are not going to give him money.
Then let this grown adult live the way he deliberately wants to.
Sounds like my father. Based on my experience you will likely not have much luck getting through to him.
I am single so figuring out when and how I help my father is less complicated.
This man isn’t your father so that is pretty complicated.
You are going to have to assume he will
Be broke forever. Now you need to get on the same page with your wife and on what scenarios you are willing to help out with.
People like this are kind of a bottomless pit. More help tends to mean they require more help and not less. So you need to figure out your lines in the sand.
Let him reap the 66 year old man he allowed himself to be.
You are not an exit strategy.
Are you in the US? He’ll go to a Medicaid nursing home. There’s no way he’s expecting you to pay for that, it’s like $10K per month.
Do not help people who can’t help themselves. It’s difficult to watch people you love struggle. For your sanity, please let this issue go. Don’t make someone else’s problem yours. He probably knows these options, but chooses not to persuade them. Adults are allowed to make their own choices, like you are too.