My fiancé and I are discussing finances, and I want to make sure I'm being fair and reasonable. Our combined income would be around 200k a year.
Thankfully I have a huge savings account and no dept, on the other hand he has an ok saving account but huge dept and mortgage.
Should we be combing our savings after marriage or open a new shared savings account? I'm against it because I worked really hard to save and pay off my student/other loans. He wants me to help with his student loans and mortgage but wouldn't add my name to the home deed because it wouldn't be fair to him since he paid the downpayment and other house expenses. So, I offered to pay half of the downpayment to get my name added but he said no. Also, we wouldn't be living in that house after marriage. He says this the only way that makes sense because we would be one after marriage
I'm 100% ok with helping with the student loans but I feel like it wouldn't make sense for me to help with the mortgage.
Any advice would be appreciated.
Savings from before Marriage
byu/Adorable-Anywhere-95 inpersonalfinance
Posted by Adorable-Anywhere-95
16 Comments
Relationship question. Ask a relationship counselor, friend, lawyer, etc.
From what you’ve written here (mind you, it’s one sided) your partner wants to keep what was his from before the marriage (his house) so it makes sense that you want to keep what was yours (your savings). There isn’t a right or wrong answer.
Don’t get married if you aren’t willing to think of yourselves as a team.
The biggest cause of divorce is money fights. Dave Ramsey, as well as my wife and I, agree that married couples should combine finances and budget together. My wife and I sit down and look at our budget at least once a week and sometimes 3.
I would also urge you to deeply consider if his massive amounts of debt are the consequences of poor financial decisions and spending habits because if those go unchecked- you’re in for a lot of money fights and hard times in your marriage
Do not marry this person for the love of God.
The number one reason marriages fail is money.
This is a relationship problem. There is no “right” answer, you have to figure out what works for you and your relationship. Everyone has this problem to one extent or another, and everyone must figure out how they want to address it. Some keep everything totally separate. Some combine everything. Many do something in between.
If you’re at odds over this and can’t come to a solution maybe that’s something you need to think long and hard about while you still have the opportunity to do so.
That’s a you question. My wife and I started relatively young but I had savings and she was just graduating. We mixed it all up. Didn’t matter much. We didn’t was a barrier between what’s hers and what’s mine. The “this is my money and that’s yours” creates some weird dynamics imho. You’re either in a full on commingled relationship or each one of you has one foot out the door constantly.
That’s just my $0.02 but I never want money and who’s is who’s to be an argument for us. Others are entitled to their opinions.
Edit: I see more context. If you’re 50/50 and sharing, then everything is 50/50. Housing, etc. your name should be on the house, and everything you contribute to. Holding on to “I did X already for the house and worked hard so I’m not going to” is a red flag imho.
This is a relationship question and maybe even something you should speak with a counselor about
There isn’t a right answer but do not listen to the boomer fossils who say “don’t get married if you’re not willing to share everything”, that’s downright idiotic input
You have to do what’s right for you. Your post included some things I would consider red flags, but it’s ultimately your relationship and we know nothing about this person beyond what you wrote
It sounds like you pay part of the shared living expenses (mortgage + utilities) and consider it like rent. Lots of people pay rent and they don’t get equity. It’s fine. However, you should also not pay for his student loan debt. You didn’t take on that debt, nor did you benefit from it.
If your fiance asks to share in his debt, then you should ask to share in his home equity in return. That is only fair.
Hold your ground. He has already given you a warning sign. To be honest hes being selfish and if it was me i would have second thoughts about moving forward.
Yeah, he’s being unreasonable. Advice would be not to enter this arrangement.
It doesn’t matter if he adds your name to the deed or not, the house becomes the matrimonial home and is 50% yours once you get married.
The way I see it is you have three options : Either don’t get married, OR sit down together with financial counselor, OR you keep your large savings account and he keeps his house and mortgage. Sell the house prior to the marriage. Then buy a house together in both your names on the deed and the mortgage. That’s the only way to start equally. He keeps the proceeds from his house sale and you keep your large savings account. But I highly recommend a financial counselor before marriage.
as a married couple you are essentially assuming all debt together and you should be sharing all
assets. If he’s not sharing the house he should sell it, pay off his debt, and you guys can start over. Otherwise not putting you on the deed is a big red flag. His debts are yours but not his assets? Nope.
Keep all your own accounts. Open a shared checking account and a shared savings account. Each of you contribute an income-relative portion of your income to the accounts. (eg you make 150k, he makes 50k, you contribute 3x what he does)
If you don’t get on the deed of the house, you don’t pay anything for the house. If you were living in it, it would be reasonable for you to pay something in lieu of rent, but if he’s insisting it’s only his, then he can pay for it.
You are not “one”. There’s a 50% chance you will get divorced. Get a prenup that says what you came in with is yours, keep it in your name, and depending on your state’s rules, you may want to put some in a trust that he doesn’t have access to.
You don’t HAVE to split expenses 50/50, you can help him out, that’s for you to decide. But do not give him free reign on your money.
What do you get out of this? He wants your money for his debt, your money for his mortgage payments, and you get no stake in anything afterwards. IMO time for a prenup, and a couples counselor to help him understand how unfair he’s being.
Only my personal opinion..we are both all in on everything or nothing at all.