Hi my frugal peeps! Just want to vent to people who understand if I may, and ask for your advice or experience please.
My husband is the total opposite of frugal. If I leave things up to him he’ll find the most expensive and least effective solution to any problem, eats out/orders takeout/food delivery multiple times a week, buys lunch at work everyday, buys coffee and pastry most mornings, thinks ready to eat meals is cooking, shops at fancy shops, doesn’t look at prices or check till slips when shopping, doesn’t wait for specials on things that are regularly on promotion, likes the latest gadgets, always calling someone instead of trying to fix problems around the house, using a financial advisor when both of us are financial professionals… and the list goes on.
I’m at my wits end. I live frugally, am happy with simplicity, and need and want very little so my personal expenses are low. I save a substantial portion of my income and have been investing it successfully. To me financial independence and living on my terms is more important than having stuff and spending on luxuries that don’t mean much to me. I’m in my 40s and can afford to be semi retired. So right now I’m stay at home and running a small business to keep busy while he hates his job. I have to carry half the household expenses so part of the inefficient spending falls on me. Besides the sharing of household expenses, we manage our own money and have separate bank accounts. We don’t have kids. He thinks I nag and gets irritated when I ask him to reconsider a spending choice to either eliminate or look at better value alternatives. He complains he doesn’t have money even though he works a high paying job.
When we got married I didn’t consider that our values towards money aren’t aligned and how it could cause me so much unhappiness. We’re supposed to be working as a team towards a common goal, but instead I feel like we’re pulling in different directions financially and it negatively affects others aspects of our marriage. How do I coax him into working with me at least a little? How do I get to a middle ground where I can accommodate his non-frugal ways and my frugality at the same time?
Married to a non-frugal spouse who doesn’t get it
byu/EphemeralDream_ inFrugal
Posted by EphemeralDream_
26 Comments
Divorce the bastard. Buying coffee at work? Who does that.
Maybe you can have shared finances for necessary household expenses that you agree to in advance, which can include emergency savings, retirement accounts, and things like that and then have separate accounts for discretionary spending/saving?
Also, it could make sense to work with a financial advisor to help him see why you need to save more or help you to see areas where you can afford to loosen the purse strings a bit.
I feel that. You all need a budget you can both be happy with, and it Sounds like a couples therapist to help you both communicate about this and understand the other persons position.
Do you sit down together every year to review the last year’s income and expenses, review your income tax return, and make a budget for the new year, including personal spending and charitable giving?
If you haven’t already, I’d recommend sitting down and writing up a budget together that includes a line item of “fun money” for each of you. This gives him the chance to spend a little, and also to see how quickly that little goes on frivolous things. You could use your fun money on experiences that are importantly to you.
As a frugal person, I would never marry someone like that. My sister in law is like that and it infuriates me. She spends everything they make every week. It’s like some people have no control.
Ouch. That is unfortunate.
When I was dating my husband we were both obviously sussing each other out on many fronts, one of which was financial compatibility.
Probably too late to stop his habits. Will he agree to counselling?
Are there any kids in the mix?
Honestly this scares me the most about ever getting married. I make good money now but grew up poor and just live like I always have despite my salary.
I like simple things, easy things, every now and then i’ll splurge like once a year cuz my friends convinced me I earned it but god some of my friends that are girls (and even the guys I know) spend so much extra money on stuff they just don’t need too LOL
Talk with him about finding a middle ground or to see the frugal light. Maybe with your financial advisor if the spending is eating into your savings/retirement. Maybe couples therapy if that doesn’t work.
Separate bank accounts and splitting the bills is what has kept money issues out of our marriage (mostly).
You two clearly are not on the same page with short term spending or long term goals. Sit down and have a conversation and discuss what your long term goals are and map it out backwards from there. Where do you want to be when you retire? What does that look like to both of you? What is important along the way? When do you want to stop working? Where do you want to live? What do you want to do?
If the idea of this conversation scares you, there are other items to address.
Either way, marriage counseling to work on the communication between you should be a priority.
My husband and I handled money very differently. He let it flow like water and I would squeeze a dollar until George cried. When he asked me to marry my first question was “who will handle the money”. He wisely said “you dear” we were very happy for 23 years.
Come up with a different split for money. Basic household stuff gets shared. If he wants to go for convenience or luxury then the difference in cost from the cheaper option you wanted should be covered by him. Also have him look at what his savings/retirement goals are and have him set up auto transfers to maximize that. Then his fun money is his fun money and he can buy himself pastries/eat out/buy gadgets whatever he wants and that doesn’t have to be a shared discussion or go on your shared card.
My husband and I have joint savings, joint checking, separate savings and separate checking. We came up with common goals and boundaries for the shared accounts and the individual we do what we want. I’m more on your husband’s side of life (which is why I’m on this sub lol, I need you guys) and staying within my budget is always an emotional struggle and challenging. But nothing of importance is getting impacted bc I auto transfer to my retirement, my savings, and joint savings each month so whatever is left over is the room I have to play with. I also started using a debit card for those little daily purchases – eating out, vices like nicotine/drinks after work – so I can check my account daily and see how much I have to spend instead of paying off a large credit card bill each month where the damage already happened and I can’t course correct mid month or mid paycheck cycle.
You must both compromise if your marriage is to survive. On the most important issues to you, you should become the decision maker. For example, you could be responsible for researching and selecting contractors for maintaining your home. There are some areas where your partner should have autonomy, but it shouldn’t be his entire paycheck if you have shared expenses.
That sounds frustrating, but I’ve heard it’s doable. Dave Ramsey always had good info on spending differences in relationships, if you’ve never heard of him he’s a famous financial expert. I took a class created by him in high school. The key terms to look for are “spenders and savers” when he talks about relationships and spending habits
If you’ve clearly expressed that this is important to you and he just got angry or ignored you, than that’s a bigger problem than the spending itself. I’d suggest marriage counseling, although I’ve seen what an issue it can be that the people who need it most will refuse to go and get angry when asked.
Splitting ALL expenses doesn’t make sense in this situation either, it may help to work out agreed upon necessities and then have separate accounts for everything elss.
Even if he brushes you off it’s important to make it clear that the current situation isn’t okay and the things you’d most like him to work with you on. Then he at least can’t claim you never talked about it if things end up escalating at some point.
Is there any family you could discuss the issue with, either on your side or someone on his who you think would be more sympathetic to your side in things? You don’t have to let them in on every detail but just having someone who isn’t a group of strangers on the internet aware there’s an ongoing problem can also be good when you feel like your need some support.
The term financial advisor might be loaded with all sorts folks. But this has a lot of personal values and behaviors and probably upbringing mixed in: so i would say it might be worth looking into a financial coach / counselor
This is a difference in life pov, a lot of the things you say he splurges on are around food which could be about convenience, freshness, tastiness, cultural, social— it’s fun to go out to pick up lunch with coworkers and go on a walk for example, novelty etc
Why I always bring up finances early while dating
It is exceedingly difficult to get somebody to change their spending habits. They will probably have to hit rock bottom (job loss, extreme debt, bankruptcy, etc) before they consider changing. Anything you say will not help, the change has to be their decision. This is a difficult place to be in, I’m sorry. 😕
One of my exes came to visit me when I was living abroad. I was late picking him up from the airpot because of a bus issue. He told me upon arrival that he didn’t realize stuff was so expensive in the respective country, he had already spent a significant amount of his food budget. He was by himself half hour in the airport. Went to Starbucks and got all possible cookies. In the airport!
OP, split finances to a degree, can you do that? And help him review his spending and the overall household spending, so that he understands.
I have this. I married non-frugal in the sense that he just buys whatever and doesn’t consider the cost at times unless it’s a big purchase we made together. The finances are open and we don’t police each other necessarily. I just figured my frugal nature is balancing their spending spree.
One of the largest causes for divorce in the US is financial disagreements. Its absolutely vital that both people align on goals and habits long before getting married.
I am better at money management and my husband is an over spender. We don’t have a lot to work with. Unfortunately, I have to lie about what we have to make sure it lasts us. I have to hide $50 here, $100 there. Sometimes in cash. And “oh honey, my mom just sent us an envelope! How sweet” smfh. Kids cosplaying as adults
As someone that is learning to be frugal (my partner and I had a rough patch due to my spending habits but I’m learning), I’d argue that poor spending habits is more related to mental health needs than anything. When I’m uncomfortable, I find temporary relief in spending (and I find myself stressed a lot). Might not be his case but I believe emotions are highly linked to poor financial decisions, and no amount of budgeting, financial planning, etc. is going to fix it if the emotional side of it isn’t addressed.
OP, this will not get better, and it can easily trash your financial future. The two of you have fundamentally different financial values.
Ask me how I know. 😑
Have totally separated finances.
Divide each of your contributions to the home/household even more in detail, so his frivolous spending doesn’t affect you.
You can ask him if he is willing to take your advice on how to make money stretch. But you can’t make him want change.
What you can do is to create boundaries about what you are willing to live with.
And then enjoy your life with your frugal freedom.
You’re going to have to separate your finances and stop subsidizing his extravagant lifestyle.
There’s no other way this is going to work for you.
He’s not going to change his habits to accommodate you.