I (25M) have been dating my girlfriend (27F) for about six months. Several months ago, I found out she’d been living paycheck-to-paycheck due to her spending habits, so I sat down with her and made her a plan for saving money in a HYSA until she has a safety fund and can start investing.
Basically, she’s very transparent about her finances. She asked me how much I had, so I said at least $100K. It’s the truth, but I also have significantly more than that. I also make about 50% more than her and usually spend frugally.
I have tried expressing the idea of equity to her and that I’m comfortable paying more on our dates. But she always tries to split everything 50/50 with me despite knowing I have more money, which leave me feeling conflicted. I’m worried that she might feel betrayed to learn that I have even more savings and still spend frugally. I don’t think she fully understands the idea of how little things add up over time.
How would you approach this situation?
When is the right time to tell your significant other how much savings you have?
byu/Chronos_Champion inpersonalfinance
Posted by Chronos_Champion
12 Comments
More of an /r/relationship_advice question, honestly.
I would say the /r/personalfinance answer is that it’s not necessary to go into detail about your finances with your partner until marriage starts looking likely.
You’re 25. You haven’t had anywhere near enough time for little things to add up to well over 100k. Something about this story is suspicious.
She is your gf, not your wife. If you want to pay more, its up to you. If she is willing to take your advice and starts to be more responsible, then that is wife material later down the road.
Your net worth is like your social security number, it’s just not something you generally need to share with anyone else. The one big exception is if you propose and are planning to comingle finances after the wedding.
But for now: You’ve helped her with her finances, you’ve disclosed that you have significant savings, and you’ve offered to pay for more things, and she has declined. You’ve taken every reasonable step, and there is no cause for further disclosure unless and until you start planning a wedding.
It sounds to me like she is trying to signal to you she isn’t a gold digger. If she wants to split things 50/50 let her. Just continue to help as needed like you have been. Help her factor dates into the budget.
Financial compatibility is as important as all others in a relationship (physical, emotional, etc.). If you see this as an important long term relationship, you need to be able to talk to her about her spending habits. Explain how compounding works and see where it takes things.
Good on her for splitting the costs, sounds like she is not in it for the money but you don’t need to feel guilty about making more money or spending less.
I agree this is more of a relationship advice question. My ex and I discussed this very early on, but only because I knew we had similar financial backgrounds (we both went to college on scholarships and worked comparable jobs, and we both were very frugal). We were within ~30% of each other.
In general, I think it can be pretty tough to navigate. I’m talking to someone right now and we’ve talked about finances, but we focused more on financial goals and spending habits. I’m pretty frugal, non-materialistic, and anti-consumerist so I honestly care less about someone’s net worth and more about their values in this sense. It just so happens my job pays well so my NW is quite high, but that’s really secondary for me. I honestly like the way you deflected and would do something similar if asked a direct question.
She doesn’t have the same relationship to money as you do, and that’s OK.
Let’s see…she wants to improve herself, and still contribute to the relationship even though she knows you make more.
If you can’t handle this, send her my way! That girl is a keeper.
Not until you are planning to get married, and sometimes not even then.
I’ve disclosed once and it destroyed my relationship. She didn’t get why I wasn’t buying multiple luxury cars and Chanel bags for her.
I was saving for retirement for 2, since I had no idea about her finances nor did I care.
Girls don’t see things the same way.
For me, the details of my partner’s situation were never anywhere near as important as sharing the value of “living below our means,” and “spending intentionally.”
I would definitely encourage you to only share investment numbers if you think you’re on a path towards building a life together. That being said, there’s a lot you can share along the way like “I keep an emergency fund of $X,” or “$Y is my average monthly spend” or “I do contribute to my retirement account,” etc.
>I’m worried that she might feel betrayed to learn that I have even more savings and still spend frugally.
Not gonna lie, this one worries me. Not a dealbreaker, if she’s learning/building a healthier relationship with money, but it worries me. Is this based on anything in particular?
>I don’t think she fully understands the idea of how little things add up over time.
Does she understand this elsewhere in life? If this is isolated to money, it’s concerning, and I wouldn’t get engaged or buy a house until it had improved, but not a dealbreaker. If this is a pattern across most of life… I would be extremely cautious.
Lastly, it sounds like you’ll probably have to teach her a bunch about money. That’s probably fine, so long as she is open to learning! Are there things you find yourself learning from her? If yes, that is a good sign. If no… orange flag.
Good luck!
When you’re finalizing wedding plans. If you’re deep in debt, that’s a good thing to let a future spouse know, otherwise (if you’re in the positive) it’s not an issue until you’re married.