I grew up thinking my parents were financially stable, but as an adult, I’m realizing they’re terrible with money. They’re both around 70, have no savings or retirement, and spend excessively on useless stuff. My dad retired at 40, and my mom is still working at 70. After holding other lower paying positions over the years, she now works a six figure remote job. They own a $250k townhouse bought over 10 years ago that still isn’t paid off, when they could have afforded to pay it off early with my mom's salary. I also think they borrowed equity from it at some point.
Whenever I try to talk to them about finances, they refuse to be transparent, get defensive, and accuse me of “parenting” them. It always turns into a fight. If something happens where my mom can’t work anymore, I'm not sure how they will be able to pay all their bills, and they will probably have to sell their house. As an only child, taking care of them in their old age will likely fall on me. They don’t seem to acknowledge that reality.
At this point, I've thought about not stepping in to help them when the time comes, so they can see the consequences of their actions. Similarly (and this is more extreme), but I have thought of just cutting them off from my life entirely right now.
Either way, I do feel guilty because they are my parents though. In addition, outside of finances, my parents and I have a decent relationship, so my husband thinks I shouldn’t risk ruining it. Anyways, I’m frustrated that they won’t recognize the long-term impact of their decisions. And I would just let it go, except it affects me in the long-run. Not sure what to do.
Parents are Financially Unstable
byu/Raindrop6677 inpersonalfinance
Posted by Raindrop6677
29 Comments
You are trying to “parent” them.
Stop. Listen to your husband. Wait until they actually ask for your help, if they ever do.
They have a 6 figure income, plus whatever they get from social security.
If your dad retired at 40 without retirement savings then I don’t think they can be helped.
The whole theory of “let them” applies here.
We can’t help others that aren’t open to help.
You are not their retirement plan. Full stop.
You don’t need to justify refusing to ruin yourself to let them continue living their consumerist, wasteful lifestyles.
They don’t want your financial help now when it can make a difference, they don’t get your financial help later.
If moving is an option, move far away.
They are adults making adult choices. You can’t force them to change unfortunately, even if you realize the eventual outcome of their choices. Just protect yourself financially.
Why did your dad retire at 40?
I think you let them know that you won’t be able to financially help them when they need you soon and give some leaflets of low income housing and nursing care and Medicaid info and wash your hands of them
Your father “retiring ” at 40 and leaving your mom to work the past thirty years is disgraceful as a man.
He’s already shown he’s terrible.
Your mom is probably just used to the dynamic and chugging along because that’s what she’s done for thirty years and doesn’t see herself as old.
You arent going to change the behavior of a 70 year old. Set expectations that you will not be helping them at all financially if they need it and leave it there.
They have made their position quite clear.
Possibly, you should look into some therapy for the reason you can’t let other adults live their own lives.
> As an only child, taking care of them in their old age will likely fall on me.
You don’t have to support them, or you can choose to have a lot of strings attached to any support you do offer. It’s possible they’ll be able to survive on their SS income alone. If they ask you for money later on, you can insist on seeing their credit card statements, or only helping them with basic life essentials you pay for directly, like groceries and utilities.
I would give up on the idea you can force them to change. You can talk to them now about how you’re not willing to cover their costs in retirement and they need to figure out how to pay off their home before your mom stops working, but who knows if that will change their behavior.
One important thing, and I don’t want to scare you but I want you to plan for this – do they live in a filial responsibility state? If so, is it PA?
There are states with laws on the books that obligate adult children to support their indigent parents. Most don’t pursue it, but PA does and has. I have been wondering if more states will now that Medicaid has been so severely cut.
If they live in PA – find an elder law attorney to protect yourself.
Otherwise you should not feel obligated and this should NOT be your problem. [https://www.ncsl.org/resources/map-monday-states-spell-out-when-adult-children-have-a-duty-to-care-for-parents](https://www.ncsl.org/resources/map-monday-states-spell-out-when-adult-children-have-a-duty-to-care-for-parents)
Make it clear that they cannot rely on you for retirement
I was in your shoes, concerned for my mom’s financial decisions after my dad died.
Racking up credit card debt, skipping out on loans. Credit score of 550. A 20-yr old car that the mechanic said was unsafe to drive. Giving money away because “she doesn’t need it.”
She said that she doesn’t ask me about my bills so don’t ask about hers.
She must have forgotten about the time she asked me for a 12k loan because she doesn’t want to pay interest to the bank.
Also, I hope that you have enough to pay for your funeral expenses because thats your bill not mine.
You can’t change them and for your sake, don’t loan them money.
They might be lying to you about what money they do have. I’ve noticed that older people are very cagey about money and plans. They seem to think that if they let you know they have money, you’ll come asking for it, so they pretend to be “broke” or “making ends meet.” They don’t seem to get that you might just be worried about their future and calculating how much you’ll need to make in order to help. 🤦🏻♀️
If your parents have a home and never seem to need to ask you for money, I would bet that they also have some retirement plans some way. Plus your mom has been working forever so she will hopefully get a decent bit of social security. Did your dad retire for health reasons? Maybe he has disability. Etc.
I feel this deeply.
My mother has no health insurance because she can’t afford it and neither my dad or moms jobs offer it. They have zero retirement, and recently essentially restarted a 30 year mortgage after their house (which they had borrowed against) burned down.
They are quickly approaching their 60s and are generally in poor health. I doubt my dad will be able to do his job for another ten years, certainly not 15. My mother makes essentially nothing, working part time for almost minimum wage for the past 20 years. But even this job with her health will become difficult in the next 10 years.
Anytime I say something about retirement or healthcare the response is always that they don’t want me to take care of them or worry about that kinda of thing. Such a selfish response, asking me to let them die in poverty and poor health while I just put on blinders and pretend like their suffering doesn’t exist. The alternative of course is to bankrupt myself.
They are already at a point where they are having to cut back down to basic food stuffs and they are both still working and haven’t had any major medical bills yet. The crash is inevitable but they want to pretend like it won’t happen, in their defense that’s what they’ve done their whole life and it’s kinda just worked itself out so far.
Unless there are laws requiring it you are NOT their retirement plan. Dad made his decision to retire at 40. If that puts them in destitute poverty in old age that’s on him not you. Worst case they do a reverse mortgage and live off mom’s social security payments while both work some part time gigs.
>As an only child, taking care of them in their old age will likely fall on me. They don’t seem to acknowledge that reality.
Well yeah, isn’t that what everybody does, when they do something bad? They refuse to acknowledge it, because acknowledging your sins feels bad. When you’re doing something bad, clarity and truth become your enemies. They hurt the most precious thing you have: your ego. So you evade and evade.
Your parents are putting undue strain on you. They are doing something bad to you. They know it deep down, vaguely, and they want to keep only knowing it vaguely, because understanding it fully is painful. It’s especially painful when you’re doing something bad to your own kid. That’s the one thing everybody dreads: the notion that they’re not a good parent. Ever seen an alcoholic parent getting accused of harming his children? They either get into a violent rage or play the victim and crumble into a sobbing mess. Obviously, this isn’t on that level, you’re an adult and you don’t actually have to let yourself be victimized, but it’s still a very painful notion to acknowledge.
I don’t see how to solve this, btw. Maybe try figuring out which one is the more rational one, try to reason with just that one, separately? See if one of them, without the other one present, is willing to admit to what’s happening?
Other than that, you know: just cut them off. But that seems a bit extreme, and something you’ll probably end up regretting in the long run.
You have a conversation with them and outright say “I have tried talking to you about how you are going to fund your end of life retirement, and based on how that has gone down so many times before, I am taking it that I am not to be involved in this, and will only manage my own life financially. If this is incorrect, we can talk, but I am assuming I am not your end of life retirement plan”.
At 70 it may be expensive, but I would consider a life insurance policy on them. I would also try and have the conversation of “i need to know how much debt you are planning to leave to me so I can prepare”.
How are you sure they are not doing well financially?
If they have income and excess spending money and your dad was able to retire so early maybe they are doing great.
I would ask them again to come up with a care plan with you. My mom is 81 and there was a significant drop in her ability to do many things between 70-80
This is why money is the root of all evil. Do not cut off your parents because they are financially unsound. If you have children, consider what it would be like for you to make mistakes (we all do), and then your children cut you out of their lives because you wouldn’t accept their advice or their financial assistance.
All the comments saying to cut them off and don’t bail them out don’t realize how hard that is in a situation like this. Let them feel the consequences? Yes. But when that time comes, it’s when they’re old, feeble, and can’t physically take care of themselves. So then what? Let them die? It’s not like letting a young person reap what they sow.
OP, I feel for you. I’m in a similar boat with my parents. I know that ultimately it will come down on me. It is my biggest stressor.
lol what a psycho ass post. You have an otherwise good relationship with your parents but are considering cutting them off over… finances?
Of all the time you’ll ever spend with them, probably 99% of it is gone at this point. You’re worrying about the wrong things.
The only advice I would give here is to make damn sure you don’t sign anything and freeze your credit
Never help parents when your own retirement accounts are not fully funded. If helping your parents adversely affects your future financial needs (home, marriage, children, retirement) don’t do it. It perpetuates elder poverty. It’s not selfish, it’s prudent. Helping them when their spending habits haven’t changed is pointless, and a money pit.
OP this is more of a relationship management question than a personal finance question. It does look like they are thinking of you as their supplemental source of income if needed. It also looks like you are the kind of person that when it comes to it you will step in just so that they don’t become homeless or something similar.
They are not going to be totally without income. If both live in the States and both worked for at least ten years there will be something in the form of social security.
I do suggest that you learn to put up boundaries. When they ask you for help and it does look like they will ask them for some accounting and their plans. The problem is being in their 70s their job income years are behind them, but that was their choice and choices are theirs to make but so are consequences.
Your parents are living the life they’ve chosen. Is it for everyone? Nope. But it’s how they operate. They are adults making adult decisions.
My parents are younger but also super irresponsible and always on the brink of losing everything. They will likely work until they die. If something happens where they can’t work, they will lose everything immediately. I told them in no uncertain terms they will not live with me and that I will not be taking care of them. They are choosing this life for themselves. I had to suffer the consequences of their actions growing up and I refuse to in adulthood as well.
I didn’t get involved in my parents’ finances. I correctly assumed that they were financially responsible individuals – and they were.
That said, you need to emotionally distance yourself from them because there is literally nothing you can do to change life long behavior patterns of two adults. Not to mention the dynamics of your attempting to *usurp* the parental role by attempting to change their behavior.
If the time comes when they actually come to you for assistance because they have run out of money, then you deal with it at that time in terms of what you are 1) able to do realistically and 2) what you are willing to do.
Worrying about something you have no control over AND which has not yet occurred is only going to drive you crazy.