I’ve been carrying this for a while and I’m curious if I’m alone or if this is just something many of us don’t admit openly.
I’m the “responsible one” in my family — finished school, got a stable job, and now everyone assumes I’m financially okay. The truth is, I’m struggling like everyone else. But every month I still send money home even when it means I skip meals or delay paying my own bills.
Here’s the confession: sometimes I lie.
I’ve told my mum my salary was delayed just so I could keep something for myself. I’ve ignored calls from relatives because I knew they were about to ask for help again. I’ve even switched off my phone on weekends just to avoid being someone’s emergency contact.
And the worst part? I feel relief when I manage to avoid helping.
In Kenya we’re raised to believe family comes first, always. You’re selfish if you don’t help. Ungrateful if you set boundaries. But nobody talks about how exhausting it is to be everyone’s safety net when you’re barely stable yourself.
So now I’m stuck between guilt and resentment. I love my family, but sometimes I feel like they love what I provide more than me.
Is this something other Kenyans are quietly dealing with, or am I just becoming a terrible person?
I think I’m a bad person… but in Kenya it almost feels normal
byu/Pure_Ad0098 inpersonalfinance
Posted by Pure_Ad0098
23 Comments
Tell them you lost your job then give yourself a year to build up savings. Vanish if you have to. You’ll come back stronger and be able to help those you want to. At this rate you’ll help no one especially yourself.
There’s a reason people begin valuing friends over family. If you feel relief, it’s not because you’re a bad person, it’s because your body is telling you you’re over extending yourself and need to focus on yourself. What good is helping the family when your health and mental state is diminishing? Will they help you when you need help? I think you know the answer.
Put on the oxygen mask first before helping the person next to you.
Build up an emergency fund before you help others.
Well, the culture you’ve grown up with says you should set yourself on fire to keep your family warm.
Many other cultures would say that no, you’re allowed to take care of yourself first.
So what do you believe? We live on a planet with thousands of cultures, you don’t have to conform to the one you happened to be born into.
There’s a reason the airlines tell you to put your gas mask on first, then help someone else with theirs. If they can’t survive without you, and you go down, both of you are out. At the end of the day, you’re each responsible for your own survival first. Put your gas mask on, *then* help others if you can.
Not Kenyan so I cannot relate.
But for me I am only concerned in providing for my direct family who live in my house.
Anyone else in my family can do one if they want money.
If you’re a bad person, so am I. I’m not skipping meals or compromising my ability to pay bills on time for anything or anyone. I would have told folks to figure it out.
Not just people from Kenya. Some families just want stuff from you. Set boundaries.
Take a step back and reset.
Look at your budget and determine what you can send back that will not put you in a bind. It’s great to support family but you cant give up everything. You make more, but you live in a higher cost country which means you need it too. Dont forget saving for your future, a home, etc.
Budget a % to send back and stick to it. They will be able to budget around that and its okay. Turn down everyone else.
Its okay to say no.
Can’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm.
You have to make sure you help yourself or else you won’t be able to help anyone else.
I have that with family with Mexico. They have money to go out to eat and go to movies and do fun stuff. 100% of my income goes to expenses, but they still think I have endless money and can afford anything.
Some people think having one person with a good salary means no one else needs to work. Like they won the lottery.
That’s really hard when it’s part of your culture. I’m not from a culture like that, but I wonder if you can put more limits on the amount you give so that you can do well and still be giving.. Like a set amount for that purpose, even in a separate account. Set it to auto save something you can truly afford, then when you give what’s in the account you can truthfully say you don’t have any more to give that month but you’ll have more next month. I don’t give or lend any amount of money that I can’t afford to lose and I never give money in amounts that I will resent anyone for
A crumbling foundation supports nothing.
You need to get yourself in a stable position before you stabilize others. Don’t feel bad about that. Long term, it is the smart move.
I mean, if the majority of your interactions with someone results in soliciting money then avoidant behavior is inevitable.
You need to create some healthy boundaries for you, and you alone. Those boundaries are for you to understand, and too bad if no one else gets it. Release the chains, and accept peace in your life!
Unfortunately, relationships will be broken, and that’s the hard part for most. However, you will trim the fat, and will then see the real family/friends in your life, when they accept your boundaries, and are still a part of your life.
Tell your relatives that you send your money to your mother, and you trust her to hand it out as she deems appropriate, and let them bother her about it.
You should bust their myth that people outside of Africa are rich. That’s the myth they’re basing this pressure off of, right?
What would you be ungrateful for? Did every single one of those family members focus every bit of their resources on your success? I know this can be the case for some people but even this kind of set up doesn’t mean they get to exploit you for the rest of your life, especially not on their terms. It’s not realistic or fair.
They’re basically saying they invested in you and now you have to return dividends – a contract you might not have signed if that’s how they laid it out in the first place.
You still had to do the work to get to where you are and it’s commendable that you did so. It’s hard to leave home let alone adjust to completely different cultures.
You need to get yourself taken care of before you can take care of any of them. This is true for everyone. Putting the mask on your self before helping the person next to you isn’t greed or ungrateful. It’s how we sustain our own life so that we may help others.
Make boundaries friend. My parents did this for family relative back in the Philippines. But the moment my parents said “nope we have four kids and bills” you find out who your real family are. Walk away from the leeches. Give yourself peace, safety and security.
“I’m sorry, but I don’t have anything extra right now. I’m struggling to keep myself afloat.” Repeat as often as necessary.
If you’re skipping meals and falling behind on your bills, this is not a lie. You need, at a minimum, to feed yourself, pay your current expenses, put together an emergency fund for yourself, and start saving for your retirement. Until you’re comfortably doing all those things, you do not have anything extra to give to others, no matter how much you love them.
You said one thing right “safety net” not safety string, if you’re the only one helping out then who helps you? You should first help yourself as others have said and then help others…
Family is partly about putting yourself before others, are they doing the same?
I think a lot of Americans don’t understand just how much of a mental block this kind of cultural expectations play in your mind. You are raised to be family oriented, this is what that means once you’re grown and especially working abroad making seemingly high salary (disregarding COL). The guilt eats you alive and you’re told you’ve become too American, individualistic. The pressure to contribute is not something you can just shake off and disregard in a heartbeat.
That being said, it’s just going to be a struggle frankly unless you start making bank where you can both thrive yourself and contribute to them. And even then your family expectations rises with it too.
Are you returning to Kenya in the future? If your long term future is in the US, I’d think long and hard about how to prep for your financial/retirement success here. I also lie to my family how much I make, Idk how much you give them but perhaps you can still send but give a fraction of what you used to. Think about ways to scale your income.
an ambulance with no gas saves no lives.
you can’t keep giving away all of your gas. you need to refill your tank.