The details are a bit fuzzy because he's refusing to be fully honest with us, but as far as I know he was using payday loans a couple of months ago. A few days ago, he said he cannot pay rent this month bc he's in huge debt and needs to take care of it. Today he was crying and begging my mom to help him bc he's desperate.
He was asking her either her or me give him a chunk of our savings (6k total to pay off the debt) or for her to take a loan at the bank (I'm assuming he's credit is ruined) and pay the debt with that. The thing is… he has never been fully honest about this stuff; we have been asking countless of times what the hell is he doing with the money in the first place. Just a few years ago, I discovered he was having an affair with a mistress from our homecountry (it has been going on for years) and our main theory is that he's sending money to the mistress.
He was telling me my mom that if we help him he would give us full access to his bank accounts, credit cards and manage all of it. That he would pay her with interest and try to make things right. I'm so confused and shocked that I don't know what to do. I was just thinking on moving out but I feel such a shitty person. I thought on giving him the money but cutting all relationship with him but it's too much money. Any advice or opinions are welcomed. I hope I don't break any rules with this post, I just want some advice or opinions if his financial situation right now
Edit: I forgot to add that he was thinking on pawning their car is we didn't help him but some reason he couldn't find the car legal papers
My dad is drowning in 6k payday loans debt
byu/LucereKnockturn inpersonalfinance
Posted by LucereKnockturn
17 Comments
I’d get off this sinking ship as fast as possible. Giving him any money is just rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic. SAVE YOURSELF!
Protect yourself and don’t give him anything until he’s fully transparent with his finances
Sounds like a hot mess…
Payday loans are so incredibly predatory that I’m not shocked he’s locked into that cycle. The best way out (for him) is an angel making him a personal loan like he’s asking for. To be 100% clear I do not expect he’d ever pay even the entire principal back, let alone interest so I advise NOT making that loan to him.
Are your mother and father still married? That is unclear? Also you say home country, what country are you in now?
The first thing you and your mother should do is financially separate yourself from this person asap. No access to any accounts, and if they are married, probably divorce. At least on paper until this all can be worked out.
The $6k isn’t really the problem here and I think you already know that. The debt is just the part that’s visible right now.
Your family has been asking where the money goes for years and he still won’t be straight about it. Giving him the money doesn’t fix that, it just buys him more time before the next version of this conversation happens.
If your mom wants to help him, the full bank account access he’s offering is the only condition that makes any of it worth considering. Even then that only works if she’s actually willing to enforce it.
You moving out isn’t being a bad person. You can love your dad and still not let his financial decisions become your financial problem.
If he’s wants me to put MY financial future on the line but is not going to be 100% forthright with me, I’m walking. Because once you commit, something else will come up that you are expected to solve with more $$$.
I wouldn’t help anyone not being forthright. Let him burn before he takes you all down too.
Are mom and dad still married? Living together? Separate finances or merged? Is he working? Is mom working? Are you working? How old are you?
If he will give you control, then take it and help him out.
My FIL was terrible with money and was getting scammed all the time. He finally gave my wife control and she paid off all his debts and saved money to where he could get the things he wanted or needed.
We feel that as children it is our job to take care of our elders and they took care of us when young.
It’s called bankruptcy and it costs less than his debt probably. Also instead of loaning family or friends money you should always conceptualize it as gifting family and friends money and consider whether you would feel comfortable with that.
Tell him that the mistress can loan him the money
Those places should be illegal. They’re loan sharks.
One practical approach is separating helping from enabling. If he won’t fully show where the money went and what the exact debts are, it’s risky to hand over a lump sum. A routine that works better in these situations is “no transparency, no money,” meaning you only consider help after you’ve seen actual statements, balances, and a clear plan.
Reality is, even if you pay this off, it doesn’t solve the underlying issue if he’s still hiding things or sending money elsewhere. It can just reset the cycle.
If you do decide to help at all, it might be safer to pay lenders directly after verifying balances, not give cash. But you’re also allowed to say no and protect your own stability
IMO i’d pull a credit report and see what the truth is. Had to do that to my brother in the past, he was very far off on his “truth”. Sure as F don’t get that on your credit\identity.. nope.
Car legal papers is the “title”. He can get that with a little bit of effort.
Deep character flawed man. Cheater, financially irresponsible and has the audacity to ask his own child to blame him out. Tell him to call his mistress for the loan. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s lying about the payday loan and really wants to send his mistress money for what ever fake emergency she made up.
Do you live in the US? This is what you do. You sit him down and pull his free credit reports with him and your mom before you decide anything. This way you can see what debt and credit cards he has. The 6K may just be the monthly payments he is behind. He needs to show all the debt before anyone agrees to help because this situation will repeat next month unfortunately. Your mother will not want to put herself in a financial hole only to be thrown out next month on an eviction. If they are still married then she is responsible for half his debt. So she may want to divorce him to stop the bleed. If she can prove he sent money to the mistress she might be able to fight that it isn’t her debt but very small chance. Do not give him any money until he is 100% honest with where all the money went
About 16 years ago my dad (73M) got himself into financial difficulties. He was living on SS & had over $20,000 in consumer debt. He kept asking me for money. I offered to handle his finances for him. He agreed.
But if he had not agreed I would have refused to give him money.