Having major trouble budgeting, and as a result, with my marriage. Hoping I can get some pointers on where I can turn to make some habit changes, or get some tips from folks who’ve had a similar problem.
I’ve always been cautious about money problems, since my parents, through a combination of disorganization, bad habits, and lack of planning, were (are) never great with it. As I entered and grew in the working world and from my twenties and into my thirties, money always scared me, and rather than keep a budget, I avoided money problems by mostly just not spending much. This worked great until I got into a relationship, then married, then became a parent.
My wife does well, and while she’s definitely not afraid to spend money, she’s very proactive, and organized about everything, finances included. I, in turn, become a deer in the headlights when we talk about money, budgeting, looking for a larger home, etc. We’ve hired a financial planner, which helps us with long term goals, investment, but while I do plenty of talking everywhere else, my wife always takes the lead on the meeting, plus any e-mail follow-ups, to do’s to set up accounts, etc. While I’m a smart guy, and do okay, I get overwhelmed and kind of “zone out” in the meetings/emails, and drop the ball on any necessary follow ups.
My wife has consistently paid for all of the “big”things, particularly that have come with having a baby, and has helped me consistently when I’ve fallen short, and while this has usually come from costlier months with finances, I’ve also found myself overextending on credit cards (not on trips or golf clubs or anything, but just on living expenses). After a big tax bill, my wife asked how much I could cover, and when I was cloudy with an answer, she asked me to run some numbers and put a figure together. I put an excel spreadsheet together, full of incorrect data that demonstrated to her that I didn’t understand what was coming and going. She’s become very frustrated, and has said that while she can accept me not being proactive, she can’t see me do destructive things that hold her back.
I don’t want to lose her, so I’m looking on tips on how to take a step in the right direction.
Help with budgeting/marriage
byu/FreshFlounder754 inpersonalfinance
Posted by FreshFlounder754
9 Comments
YNAB is the best budgeting software.
Most fear of money is rooted in lack of understanding.
So start with educating yourself about money…..the basic: money in vs money out
Where does your (both you and her as individuals and joint) money go each month?? Who covers what bills?
How much surplus should you have after paying for all the necessities?? Where has it slowly gotten spent??
Start with a budget. At the very top of a page, jot down how much you make in one month. Then think about all of your expenses during the month. Subtract each expense. This exercise may be tricky if you don’t know how much you are spending on items like food, or little treats. But this is the perfect time to set a limit for yourself in those categories! Be realistic with yourself. If when you do this exercise, you end up in the negative, it may be time to consider a second job. Another option would be to open up with your spouse and ask for her help with reviewing things. It sounds like she is very organized, and she may be willing to help. Moments of transparency like this may even help deepen the relationship. Best of luck!
No ifs ands or buts about it, you gotta learn to budget. Nothing fancy, you don’t need to have a 12-page Excel spreadsheet with insane formulas and whatnot, but you should be able to answer basic questions like “how much do I need for my big monthly expenses” and “how much cash do I have free this month.”
Someone else suggested YNAB, I’ll +1 that. It’s amazing, easy to use, and it’s designed specifically to handle the fuck-ups that happen to the best (and worst) of us.
In my relationship, I handle most of the “big” budgeting (which I think is ironic, my partner is an *accountant*…) and part of that is accounting for one-off and unexpected things like extra tax bills and expense hikes (e.g. higher cost of gas recently). It’s not easy but it is possible, and **IF your wife is comfortable taking on the “budgeter” role in your relationship**, I would suggest asking her what she would like from you to build out that kind of buffer.
But even if you do that, you NEED to be able to answer basic questions like “how much can you spare every month for family needs” and “how much do you have set aside for emergencies/unexpected expenses”.
I didn’t make much and had crap credit when my now husband and I started dating. I remember confessing my terrible credit score to him a few months in, in case that would change his mind about us. It didn’t, and through some hard work and lots of self education, I turned that around and stopped avoiding/being afraid of my own finances. Infact now I work adjacent to accounting (proof the universe has a sense of humor!)
I hate the title, but the first few chapters of Ramit Sethis book “I will teach you to be rich” has a nice overview of personal finance, budgeting as a concept, and how to look at your money to see what you really spend and what you have available. This turned nicely into taking the reins from impulse spending and “hoping” I stayed under budget, to knowing exactly what I have for various expenses and even some fun money for little things. We took his method of calculating finances and ran with it, and it’s made money management a lot less stressful for us. In fact, were doing our yearly “big review” next week and I’m genuinely excited about it!
All that to say, don’t give up. It can feel so daunting, but once you start digging in and really understand what you have coming in and going out where, it’s empowering to figure out what you can push around to better meet your actual wants and needs. Think of it as being proactive instead of reactive – you’ll feel more stable too!
Maybe too many cooks in the kitchen when it comes to finances? While I do keep our savings separate, I basically am the one managing the finances in the house. It’s just not something his brain is equipped for, and it’s a headache for me to expect it of him. He basically just keeps a savings, we have a joint checking which I will pull from for bills (I do keep a separate note on how much is mine vs his in the checking) and if something big comes along, he just has to look at how much is in his savings and let me know if it’s feasible. Maybe not the best advice, but I’ve learned the hard way that we both have our own strengths and weaknesses and balancing a checkbook is not his. It has helped a lot mentally to not place that expectation on him, as I will just be setting him up for failure.
Why do you guys act like roommates on finances? Most of your money should go into a shared account out of which bills are paid. Who pays what bill should not be a tough conversation.
I bet you are having small panic attacks that are causing you to shut down. Money causes stress leading you to go into flight mode. Try counseling.
Read Ramit Sethi’s books (I Will Teach You to Be Rich and Money for Couples) together with your wife. You need to move past your avoidance of money and dealing with finances. Money is just a tool, it’s not inherently good, bad or scary. You need to practice using the tool of money and learn about it. You said your wife takes the lead on finances, but do you two not have a joint spending plan? If not, now is the time. Use Ramit’s conscious spending plan template and fill it out together with your wife.