I've run into an issue where people in my life really frown on me and my spending habits based on what they can probably easily estimate our income at. I've been low-income most of my life, and my husband and I have dug ourselves out of that spot slowly and methodically over the years. We have always been frugal, at first out of necessity, but now it's an entrenched habit and lifestyle that we are comfortable with that gives us freedom and peace of mind.
When you are a part of the having money/still frugal subcommunity, you are usually one of two people. The first is the person who is always out to save a buck, and doesn't mind if they do it at your expense. This is the person who always "forgets their wallet" at dinner, takes advantage of friends/family for cheap or free labor or materials, etc. They often end up having more means than the people they exploit.
Or, you are more quietly frugal and careful with your money. That's us. We usually pay for other people, contribute more than our share of things, give to charity, etc. but we will say no or turn down invitations that don't align with our goals. This is where we get shamed. I have had friends really angry with me for not ordering multiple drinks when going out, not buying enough or matching stuff when we are shopping, not wanting to pay for nails/hair, or turning down weekends/concerts/trips that don't align with our budget. I always offer to have people over to ours, throw a potluck, get coffee instead. We have also had family invite us to expensive, week-long vacations that would require us to cancel our own plans to afford, and we received a lot of side-eye and anger for turning it down.
The tricky thing is, I actually COULD afford all this stuff, I just don't want to. I really detest situations where other people get to choose how I spend my money. And the REALLY tricky thing is that I often have the most means out of the group, so people get VERY angry with me when I can afford it more than them, and I'm still saying no. And then they see us spending on things that bring us joy and meaning, and they question why we couldn't do the vacation or the 5-star dinner, and why we are still wearing the same old clothes and shoes. When we turned down the family vacation, we built a chicken coop instead in order to produce more of our own food.
Are any of you all frugal by choice? Do any of you struggle with this too?
What are your thoughts on being frugal while actually having money/savings?
byu/Cheeseaisleinheaven inFrugal
Posted by Cheeseaisleinheaven
6 Comments
Frugal by choice, with the hardwiring created in childhood. Paid off house, cars and enjoyed traveling for a while, and buying whatever I wanted. Now I retired to frugality again.
Comparison is the thief of joy.
You can explain it to those people but they probably won’t get it. Just tell them you’re living your life the best you can. I like how you said that the things didn’t align with your goals. That’s a good way to express it rather than “I don’t want to”…
I fall into this bucket too but we don’t worry about what people think. 7 out of 10 people live paycheck to paycheck and the amount of people making over $100k living paycheck to paycheck is staggering. We won’t be those people.
We also moved out of an area that was more towards our income bracket and moved to slightly lower income area. That was the best move we could have made.
You’ll always feel the shame if you care about what other people think about you. We’ve lost friends because of what you are describing but the risk of not being wealthy is too high.
Ignore them.
Someone who pressures you to do what they do is self conscious and feels guilty about doing it. Most people do not live on or below their means. So when someone in their influence is living at or below their means, it is a threat.
I am proud of you! Keep to your guns. Keep going with what you are comfortable with. Because at the end of the day, you know that when the shit hits the fan you have the cushion that will help you endure. Not many people can say that.
Especially right now!
I never needed to be frugal, I am just content with my lifestyle and earn way more money than I need. So I am in the same boat.
I honestly would give a fuck about people who try to shame me because of my non-consumerism.
First of all I wouldn´t perceive someone who acts so lowly as a friend. They probabaly do it because they feel guilty when they splurge (and maybe not have the means to) or they think they have some kind of superiority their credit card balance gives them.
In both cases – good riddance. Get friends who sahre your values or at least respect them.
Had a coworker act that way towards me. Husband and I got some money in an inheritance and she asked where we were going on our trip. “What Trip?” “Well now you have the money, you should go to this place.” “Ummm no. We are going to use a large amount of it to pay off our house. ” “That’s stupid” I just shook my head and walked away. This from a woman who had her husband take money from his 401 K so they could travel to Alaska. I’ve made it clear that we have money now BECAUSE we were frugal. Do I occasionally take a trip or go to a concert? Yes but not as often as others think I should. That’s fine. They can live in debt.