EDIT: Updated to emphasize that he is currently clean and no longer purchasing/consuming alcohol. Also, to those asking why I would help him – taking care of parents is part of the culture I grew up in. Also, I mean, he was a good dad growing up lol.
My dad is a high-functioning alcoholic (recently clean!) with a history of poor money management, as well as obfuscating the truth about his financial situation.
He recently completed rehab for the second time and is looking for a job after being fired from his last one in November (he works in tech). I just learned that, in order to pay his bills, he has been drawing money from a line of credit at a whopping 20% interest rate.
In my shock, I immediately offered to help pay off the debt when I heard. When I was first told the amount, it was $50k. Then was told it was $60k. I just looked at the statement with my own eyes – it is $72,000.
I am shaking. My mother (a SAHM my whole life) started working during the pandemic to help with the bills, but she has little education and her salary is small.
Some more details:
– He is currently ineligible for NYS unemployment. On the app he claimed he voluntarily left his job (untrue, but his employer gave him the option to say this, and he did so on the form). He is currently appealing the decision, but this may take weeks
– He only has 100k in retirement savings (which I previously urged him to keep in the stock market, rather than using to pay off the debt)
– He has a mortgage to pay off (roughly $300k at a 4% interest
On my side, I have ~$150k in life savings that I have carefully scraped together over the years. 1/3 of this is in the stock market. I had so many plans for this money – a wedding, a home, and a family of my own, and have always been so intentional with spending so I don’t repeat my father’s mistakes.
I don’t know what to do. I am honestly terrified of handing over half of my carefully cultivated life savings to my father. What’s more is that I also offered to lend him money until he finds work so he no longer has to resort to this loan, but with the amount of expenses he has, this means I will literally be living paycheck to paycheck until he finds work.
He is actively looking for a job and intends to repay me, but I don’t trust that he will find anything, especially with his age and all the changes in tech lately.
What are our options? Should I pay the debt? Can he file for bankruptcy? Should we use his retirement savings?
Should I pay off my 66 y/o dad’s $72k debt?
byu/itaver inpersonalfinance
Posted by itaver
25 Comments
No. If you bail him out he’s just going to do it again.
I’d be cautious of bailing him out like this. I would recommend attending Al-Anon meetings too, if you aren’t already, to learn from others and seek advice about boundaries with an alcoholic.
clinician here, ABSOLUTELY NOT1 I can guarantee you that if you do, you will become the fixer for all of his problems. Also, there is no such thing as a functional alcoholic. the alcoholism is impacted his ability to hold a job, manage money and has thrown the family into chaos. he is not functioning, he is spiraling and you’re about to get swept up into it. tread carefully OP.
Absolutely not. Give him the structure and framework needed to dig him out of the hole, but don’t do it for him unless you want to give him a gift, but frankly, you are not in a financial position yourself to just hand someone that kind of cash.
Do not give up your future. This situation will not end.
If you pay his debt, I am absolutely certain that he will be back in 6 months to a year expecting you to bail him out again. You can easily become his ATM for the rest of his life.
He must take care of this himself. He may have to declare bankruptcy. He created this problem, though, and he needs to fix it.
I advise that your Mom get a bank account that he has can’t access, if she doesn’t already have one. That way, hopefully she’ll be able to put food on the table instead of him blowing her money as well as his own.
Why would you even consider this? IT won’t help him and it will hurt you.
He WILL NOT repay you.
Best option for him might be to sell the house and take the equity to pay off the debts, or get a HELOC in the unlikely event that he would qualify (don’t co-sign!)
It might be possible for him to get social security disability based on his alcoholism. Then, figure out how much he will get, and have him and your mother move into a small older home somewhere in a LCOL area that they can afford on that. You can pay for some things here and there to smooth the transition (e.g., moving expenses, closing costs).
If you give them any financial support, consider having them allow you to take over their finances- pay the mortgage, utilities, some savings, and give them the rest to waste.
First and foremost don’t do this. I understand this is incredibly difficult for you but this even if it turns out well will gravely injure you. And if it turns out badly, not only did you not help him but you wasted a lot of money.
But if you insist on going down this path Do Not under any circumstances give him the money directly. Only pay for things directly, that way at the very least you know exactly where your money is going.
Do not throw your money away. This is your dad’s problem, not yours.
“My dad is a high-functioning alcoholic with a history of poor money management” don’t need to read any further, NO.
Don’t give money. You can pay for a one-time (maybe two sessions) fiduciary financial advisor to look at his numbers and come with a plan to tackle the debt and how to manage his money. That way you give him the right tools and a plan to follow. You’re not held responsible for his actions once guidance was given and he’s not dependent on you. Teach a man to fish but if he don’t want to, then that’s his damn fault.
No. Absolutely not. He created this problem, so it is his to solve. Let him figure out how to solve his alcoholism and his financial issues. You will only enable his addiction and financial woes if you help him.
Do not destroy your life for someone who does not care about their own life or yours. He will not repay you, assuming there is any truth to his promise or any realistic possibility of that happening. He can find a lawyer and look into bankruptcy as an option. He’s already lying to you, so don’t let yourself be scammed by your own alcoholic father.
Honestly, you never should have offered to pay anything. Take some of that money and pay for therapy so you can understand why you would want to harm yourself by offering any help to him when it will only hurt you.
What does “high functioning alcoholic” mean?
Your money would go much further with me by paying off my 12k of collective debt (school, medical)
No.
First, your father is not a high-functioning alcoholic. You need to stop telling yourself that he is.
His money management issues and alcohol issues go hand-in-hand. A high-functioning alcoholic is one whose life is still manageable. It doesn’t sound like he’s managing his life if he’s $72k in debt and using a line of credit at 20% interest. Someone who is deeply in debt, but still a functioning adult, would be cutting out all unnecessary expenses – he doesn’t get booze for free…
Second, giving him money wouldn’t help him – it would help his alcoholism maintain its hold on him. The more money you give him, the more you delay him getting help. You could give him $100k today and it would make no difference. He’ll quickly find himself in this same position once again. He’ll still be drinking and wasting money.
The help he *actually* needs is not financial.
If you want to help your mom from winding up homeless, that’s fine. But she has to be on board with not “going down with the ship” and with you setting the boundary that you’re not going to throw money away by giving it to someone who ultimately is just using it to cover a bar tab and avoid dealing with problems.
No. It will be hard not to help but no. He is not going to change unless he has to. He has shown you exactly who he is. He will take and take and take. Get your mom set up with her lien bank account. She will need it if he declares bankruptcy. I’m sorry you are going through this. I hope he changes and finds his way but that is his journey not yours. Take care.
Daughter of functioning alcoholic here (now non functioning)
I’ve been helping my father for years with financial support. Lots of money taken from and I didn’t even realize how much I had been used.
My dad too stoped drinking at one point and I was thrilled and hoped for the best. He has since been in jail 2 times. It will not get better. Don’t bet your life savings on him.
Do not set yourself on fire to keep him warm.
I do know a few people who straightened out and never looked back, (40-50 years sober) but I think it’s pretty rare for alcoholics. He will very likely relapse. Make sure he gets a sponsor. And protect yourself. It will be very hard, especially since you offered, but people can change their minds. It will likely strain your relationship so prepare for it. Best of luck to you and your family.
I would never pay off the debt. What would stop him from running up debt again?
You need to go to therapy before you do anything. Your father has likely been an alcoholic during your childhood. You’re likely codependent and you’re quite clearly enabling. Which you should not do, and which he should not accept if he’s truly trying to learn to take responsibility for his addiction.
If can’t go to a therapist. Go to alanon which supports families of alcoholics.
For both of your sakes you should do nothing until you speak to a professional about it.
Its always interesting to see western cultures respond and react to issues of familial care. Very different responses from other cultures, so I get where you are coming from. Not saying one is better than the other though.
Terrible idea despite your thoughtful urge to help. You are going to really set yourself back by helping and there is no certainty he will repay you in full or even partially (I hate to say it but getting hired at age 66 with a history of mental health issues is going to be a huge uphill challenge). This is probably a good case for him filing bankruptcy and starting somewhat fresh (assuming he can keep the retirement money and house).
In this situation you are also likely to get “stuck” taking care of them through their retirement (unless there are siblings) so you will be able to help him out in other ways that don’t stunt your own future.
66 and just went to rehab? Hasn’t even been clean for a year yet? Absolutely do not pay that debt. You’re never getting it back and losing it’s future growth.
Let him retire and start pulling out SS benefits. He lived his life and made his choices.
Your main priority should be making sure they can maintain the home. Have them talk to their lender about hardship plans and to a lawyer about what protections they have. You can offer to pay for utilities and groceries too.
Worst case, see if it’s an assumable mortgage and talk to a lawyer about ownership transfer. If you’re willing to help with stable payments that way, at least it keeps them in the house. Still some risk to it.
Do not give up your future for this. He has to fix it
Ya no way. Hes a grown man and will have to figure it out. With this history he will just be in the same place in 5 months anyway.
Well then why at age 66 can’t he go back to work? Or did I miss something.