Alright so this one might be a bit tricky…

I live in VA. I live next to a church. The pastor and I are buds. We both like scotch.
So, the idea we came up with is that, each morning my family and I would go over to the Church – real registered nonprofit, and take a dump in the church grounds. Out shit is fertilizer for the plants and vegetables grown in the church. So, we want to deduct our shits as fertilizer – no cash contributions to a non profit. Our shits. Are documented as pastor will watch us take a shit – said he might even play some pink Floyd for us. We will value each shit @$5 so below market price for fertilizer. So my question is will this be considered a non tax contribution to non profit by IRs? It is documented and pricing is reasonable and with war on Iran I am providing good value for money!